What Does it Really Mean to “Give it Your All”?

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I felt like I gave it my all. I stayed up past midnight and ran out of ink of five new pens writing until my thumb was swollen and it physically hurt me to grip a pen. On Thursday morning, I finished my Chinese exam at 9:30 am. From 10 am until 4:30 pm, with a mere 30-minute lunch break, I studied in silence in an empty classroom with a friend. I got home at 5:30, took a shower and studied until dinnertime. After dinner, I studied until 3 am the following morning. I set my alarm for 5:40 so I could study again until my exam at 8 am. All this for mocks.

When I left my final exam on Friday, I genuinely felt proud. I told myself that no matter what my results are, I should be proud of all the hard work I put in. But several hours later, I began to doubt everything. Not just my answers, but whether I could have done more.

That night, I cried myself to sleep out of pure frustration of not being able to ever be satisfied with myself. Throughout the entire month, I told myself it would all be over when I stepped out of the exam hall on Friday. I told myself that I wouldn’t think about everything that could have been because there’s simply nothing I can do to change the past. I so badly want to believe this. But my brain never lets me believe that there’s no use worrying about things that I have no control over.

I think it’s worth noting that even though I’m not quite satisfied with the work I produced, I am satisfied with all that I learned this week in terms of preparing for exams and how to calm down when test anxiety hits me really hard. I also learned that I have so many people who do care about me, and I can reach out to. I am also so incredibly grateful for many of my friends, but there is one friend in particular that I owe my entire life to. Despite living half a world away, his messages alone gave me so much strength. I know that he would genuinely be willing to talk to me on the phone even if nothing I am sobbing about makes any sense whatsoever to him. That bit was so badly written, but what I’m trying to say, is that I’m hella grateful despite everything.

I don’t really know what to say to people who struggle with the same issues as me, but one piece of advice I can offer is to find people you do trust and can talk to, whether they are teachers, the school counselor, your friends, or your family. Even in a world of 7 billion, it’s so easy to feel alone. But you have to understand that you’re never alone. I for one will be willing to offer a listening ear whenever just drop by a little comment and we can figure something out.

I hope all of you are doing alright, and if you’ve actually read all of whatever that was up there ^, thank you so so much.

Sending my love 🙂

xx

 

 

It’s Been a Tough Week

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I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while, but it just hasn’t been a great week for me. Mock exams are nearing, and it feels like everything that’s ever bothered me in the past is suddenly attacking me all at once. I’ve had worrying thoughts a lot on a daily basis in the past, and recently, I’ve felt myself withdrawing from my friends, sport, and a lot of things I enjoy doing. But when these thoughts manifest into physical feelings, it’s a whole different story.

Anxiety is something I wouldn’t ever wish on anyone, no matter what they’ve done to me. It makes you feel like you have absolutely no control over YOUR OWN body, and never ever lets you rest. I stay up at night thinking about everything I still have to do, and why I can’t ever seem to be happy. It’s physically exhausting and having to go to school every day around peers and teachers who don’t understand makes it just that much worse.

Despite everything that is going on, I have a lot to be grateful for. A surprising amount of people have asked if they can do anything to help, and even though I can’t explain everything I’m feeling all that well, there’s been people who have been here for me to listen. I’ve realised that there’s always going to be people who don’t understand, but if you look hard enough, there are people who truly care, and will be willing to do all the research out there to help you get through it, even if they don’t initially quite understand.

I’ve talked to a teacher of mine every day for over a week now, and I honestly don’t know what I would ever do without him. He understands and walks through things with me in a way that gives me hope. He tells me the right things at the right times, and no matter what, I know I can go to him to talk things through. Although I only have him for class twice a week, he’s let me know that I can come find him whenever, even if I’m supposed to be in class, or he’s teaching one. So often, it feels like I’m fighting this battle alone, but that’s so so far from the truth. Between us, it’s a fight we’re battling TOGETHER. It’s honestly been a crap week full of out of the blue anxiety attacks but in times like this its so important to stay grateful for the people you DO have, instead of worrying about those who fear to approach you.

If any of you struggle with similar issues and haven’t found someone you trust to talk to, I just want to say that I’m ALWAYS here. It doesn’t matter if this is the first post of mine you’ve read because it doesn’t make a difference. If we can’t be here for each other when we need it the most, what is the point?

Anxiety can take so many different forms, and what works really depends on each individual, but one thing that’s really stood out to me has been the idea of thinking, “Will everything I’m worried about matter in a couple days, weeks, months or years?” And if you’re like me, and don’t always know what triggers sudden surges of anxiety, know that you’re NOT alone. It will NOT last forever, and you CAN do something about it, even if you can’t always fight the physical feelings. There’s always something we can do. It may not solve everything, but each small step makes a whole lot of a difference. Trust me.

Sending my love 🙂

xx

Not Knowing

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Not knowing is the most frustrating thing. Not being able to understand yourself and why you feel a certain way makes you feel trapped. I feel as though I am constantly trapped in a cycle. I feel a certain way, I overthink things, I feel like I have too much on my mind, and then I feel more things I don’t understand.

There’s so much I want to say but so much of it, I can’t put into words.

I’m frustrated because people around me get upset, but it doesn’t take much to convince them that things are going to be okay. But as I say all these comforting things to others, I can’t convince myself of all these things.

When I feel like I just need a good cry, it’s never about just one thing that happened that day. I can normally never tell why I feel the way I do on that particular day. When I feel that sinking feeling inside of me, I feel fear, because it only feels like things are only ever going to get harder.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is, but I guess it’s about wanting to feel heard. I’ve begun isolating myself when I need the support the most, but I just can’t help myself. I feel like I don’t deserve to feel the way I do when so many others have gone through so much. I feel like my friends would much rather pretend to not notice than asking me about it.

I just really need someone to tell me that it gets better. That’s all I’m asking for.

Sending my love 🙂

xx

Perfectionism

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These past few weeks, so many thoughts have been going through my mind about what’s really wrong with me. When I had to step out of Physics class last Friday because things just seemed so overwhelming, I realised I really needed to find people around me that I could trust talking to about all my feelings. The end of the academic year is just around the corner, with only a month and a half left before the summer. But with my end of year mocks in the midst of a time that’s normally stressful even without exams, I feel as though I’m at my breaking point. It’s crazy, I’m only a ninth grader and I just can’t help thinking that things are only ever going to go downhill from here.

I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. It means I can never really say, “that’s good enough”, because “good enough” just simply isn’t good enough for me. I strive for 100% on every test and assignment (with the exception of Chinese because I just suck at it) and when I don’t get that perfect score, I’m not happy. One of my closest friends who struggles with similar issues but seems to be more in control told me that failing sucks, but “success is sweeter when you’ve failed”. I get where he’s coming from, and I agree, but in my mind, if I fail once, and do better, but still don’t get that perfect score the next time round I feel as though I am stuck in a deep hole, of which there’s no getting out of.

Last Friday, when I got my Physics test back, I had a breakdown. I knew that I wasn’t a failure, that I did pretty well, but at the same time, there was a voice in my head telling my that I was indeed a failure, and that I should be disappointed in myself. My Physics teacher is an amazing guy (who went to flipping Oxford!!), and he talked to me about how I felt after class, but truth is, it didn’t make me feel any better. I know that he honestly just wants his students to be happy, and he did his best to convince me that I shouldn’t be feeling the way that I do, but all of those things, I already knew. I know I should be going out with my friends more often. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about so many “what if’s”. I know life isn’t just about academics. But yet, I find myself slowly giving up the things I love doing. I go to a school where teachers encourage participation in service, sports, and activities as much as they do with academic lessons. But they all just make me busier. I know colleges and universities look at more than my transcript.  But knowing all this just makes life harder.

I write blog posts when I feel like it, and so here is all I have in me for today. I have so much more to say, but I don’t have the time to. I’m feeling so many more things, but I can’t put them into words. So I hope you’re all having a good day, and keep updated I guess.

Sending my love 🙂

xx

 

 

 

Guys and Heart Dissections

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So it’s been a while since I last posted. The last time I posted I had just come back from my school trip, and let me tell you, I got more out of that trip that I ever would have imagined. Basically, there are two campuses of the same school in my city, and the school trip was a joint trip between both campuses. During the trip, I met a guy. It really wasn’t very glamorous, because we spent a week without showers, and constantly smelt like the sea. But somehow, he saw something in me, and somehow, word got round to me that he thought I was “fit”. Obviously, there are two very different meanings to the word “fit”, and I guess even though everyone jokingly teased him that he meant he was into me and was attracted to me, people assumed he wasn’t really. Well, I had to act like I was all cool with it and it meant nothing really, but in all honesty, I had to resist the urge to just ask him how he really felt.

I’m not a social butterfly in anyway whatsoever, but the thing is, he’s friends with all the “populars”. I know it shouldn’t mean anything at all, but it makes a hell of a big difference. He’s nice, funny, athletic, and kind of quiet, which is what confuses me the most. It never occurred to me that people like him could be friends with people I’ve always looked down on. Yet, I found myself acquiring an interest and wanting to get to know him better.

So long story short, we started talking after the trip, and turns out he’s into me too and wants to get to know me as “more than friends”. For someone with zero experience with this stuff whatsoever, things happened really quickly, and now I’ve somehow ended up with a date planned this Friday to a pretty nice Italian restaurant. SO WHAT DO I DO?

I know I should be excited, but I’m scared out of my skin. He’s a lot more experienced than me, and I don’t know how much he wants from me. I just feel like I’m WAY out of my depth.

If any of you have any advice on first dates and stuff like that PLEASE leave a comment.

Okay, so you’re probably now wondering: heart dissections?!

Yeah, you read that right. Today in Biology class, we did a sheep heart dissection. Let’s just say it ruined my day. It wasn’t my first dissection, and I’ve never been overly squirmish, although surgical videos and bio videos, in general, have always made me turn away. But today I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. At the beginning of the lesson, my teacher told the class that if anyone wanted to step out it was alright, and he didn’t want anyone fainting in class.  I’ve never fainted in my life, and so I don’t really know what it feels like, but I think I came real close to experiencing it today.

My heart beat first started racing, and then my breath felt shallow, and I couldn’t stop picking at the pair of latex gloves that sat in my lap. The sight of the blood and people sticking their fingers into the ventricals and all that just made me want to puke. My skin turned hot, and I just didn’t know what was happening. Quickly, my teacher realised I wasn’t doing too well, and offered for me to go outside, but I refused. It felt like I was declaring defeat. So the entire lesson, I sat there staring at the ground, ripping apart at the latex gloves, and trying to keep breathing. Looks of pity were sent my way, and it was just an overall shit lesson.

What I don’t understand is why I’ve suddenly seemingly developed a phobia of blood and organs. The rest of the day, my heart just felt heavy, and I felt the overwhelming urge to just break into tears. The most frustrating thing is, I don’t know why.

I hope all of you reading this have had a better day, and I would really appreciate if you could give me some advice on all of this.

Sending my love 🙂

xx

A Little Getaway

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So it’s been quite a while since my last blog post, but I went on a week-long school trip and just didn’t feel like writing until now. The trip did me good, and although at first I didn’t feel like going at all, I can honestly say that it was one of the BEST trips of my life. It made me realise how important it is to just get away sometimes. I never wanted to go because I  felt like it was a waste of my time- taking up a week of my two-week break that I could spend studying. But god was I wrong.

At our school in 9th grade, we get to chose out of so many trips to go on, and there are so many expeditions to all these far places (there are some insanely expensive ones), but I chose the cheapest, nearest, and possibly shortest trip out of them all. It was a student-led sea kayaking trip around islands really close to where I live, although technically in a different country. I chose it because a) it was an expedition that could help me get a special award to do with leadership, service, sport, activities, and all that stuff (essentially, it looks good on college applications), and b) because we went to the same area to kayak in G7 and I really enjoyed it. I decided to go without any friends that I knew beforehand, and all my friends teased me constantly for choosing this trip. Yet, even before going on the trip, I knew there was no other trip I would rather go on.

I value health and fitness a lot, and so I run Track and Cross Country and stuff for fitness, but I’ve never really understood people who do it because they enjoy it, and can push themselves way beyond what they believe are their limits. But on this trip, I realised that my love for kayaking was something similar. It wasn’t a glamorous trip in any way with it being student-led, but after returning home after a week, I’ve constantly thought about kayaking and miss everyone on the trip so so much. For the first time in so long, I feel passionate. I feel the desire to do something. I learned how to do a half Eskimo roll during the trip, and now I can’t wait to get back in the water soon and learn how to do a full Eskimo roll. For once, I have a goal that has nothing to do with grades and studying. It feels pretty great.

There is one issue though. Where I live, kayaking is not really something I can just take up as a casual after school sport. There is a national kayaking/canoe team and a canoe polo team, but that’s about it. It sucks big time, but I think I’m really gonna push for some sort of team at our school.

Another thing I noticed on the trip was that I had taken on a completely different self. The outdoor education instructors praised my leadership, responsibility, and fitness. I’m not gonna lie, it felt really good. I felt happy, and just thinking about it makes me happy. It’s strange, because never in a million years would I have thought that that trip would be the trip that made me feel happiness after a couple months of feeling so numb.

I know it’s not an option for everyone, but if you’re having trouble escaping anxiety and the feeling of hopelessness, force yourself to just get away. If you find something that gets things off your mind, it works wonders, I promise.

On a similar note, I am seriously thinking of applying to a 3-week summer camp at a university in LA on business and entrepreneurship this summer, because in case you didn’t know, I want to pursue business in university and become an entrepreneur thereafter. Has anyone ever been to a summer camp before? If so, leave a comment below and tell me about your experiences, and if not, have you ever thought of participating in one?

Anyways, I hope you’re all doing well, and if you’ve had better days, maybe you should get away once in a while because it might help you get some things off your mind.

Sending my love 🙂

xx

 

The Gift Of Life

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I would be lying if I said I have never considered ending my life. Lying face down on my bed with tears rolling down my cheeks, it’s not hard to think about how it would feel to be able to end it all. But today, an Instagram photo that melted my heart gave me a whole new perspective on life.

Everyone has people or things they live for. For me, I LOVE The Vamps, a band from England. But that’s all for another day, another post. For almost two years now, I’ve watched the Sacconejolys, a daily vlogging channel almost every single day. Even when I feel like things cannot get any worse, I ALWAYS feel better after watching their videos, because their lives are filled with so much love and it’s impossible to not let their contagious smiles make me smile.

Today, their third child, a baby girl was born. Just from watching their vlogs, I know that things haven’t been easy for them either. In May, they had a miscarriage, and even then, they received a lot of negative comments, and it took a lot of courage for them to keep sharing their lives. Point is, life is a bitch. But if we keep fighting, at some point, we’re gonna be grateful for all the adversity we overcame. Notice I used the word ‘WE”. You are not alone. We are in it together, and although it might not feel like it will ever get better, we just have to hope that soon, the day we feel that surge of gratitude and happiness will come.

If this photo doesn’t pull at your heartstrings, I don’t know what will. Just for some context and extra tears, the tattoo on Jonathan’s hand represents the baby they lost, because he had nicknamed the baby squid just like he did with his other two children as babies.

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Sending my love 🙂

xx