These past few weeks, so many thoughts have been going through my mind about what’s really wrong with me. When I had to step out of Physics class last Friday because things just seemed so overwhelming, I realised I really needed to find people around me that I could trust talking to about all my feelings. The end of the academic year is just around the corner, with only a month and a half left before the summer. But with my end of year mocks in the midst of a time that’s normally stressful even without exams, I feel as though I’m at my breaking point. It’s crazy, I’m only a ninth grader and I just can’t help thinking that things are only ever going to go downhill from here.
I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. It means I can never really say, “that’s good enough”, because “good enough” just simply isn’t good enough for me. I strive for 100% on every test and assignment (with the exception of Chinese because I just suck at it) and when I don’t get that perfect score, I’m not happy. One of my closest friends who struggles with similar issues but seems to be more in control told me that failing sucks, but “success is sweeter when you’ve failed”. I get where he’s coming from, and I agree, but in my mind, if I fail once, and do better, but still don’t get that perfect score the next time round I feel as though I am stuck in a deep hole, of which there’s no getting out of.
Last Friday, when I got my Physics test back, I had a breakdown. I knew that I wasn’t a failure, that I did pretty well, but at the same time, there was a voice in my head telling my that I was indeed a failure, and that I should be disappointed in myself. My Physics teacher is an amazing guy (who went to flipping Oxford!!), and he talked to me about how I felt after class, but truth is, it didn’t make me feel any better. I know that he honestly just wants his students to be happy, and he did his best to convince me that I shouldn’t be feeling the way that I do, but all of those things, I already knew. I know I should be going out with my friends more often. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about so many “what if’s”. I know life isn’t just about academics. But yet, I find myself slowly giving up the things I love doing. I go to a school where teachers encourage participation in service, sports, and activities as much as they do with academic lessons. But they all just make me busier. I know colleges and universities look at more than my transcript. But knowing all this just makes life harder.
I write blog posts when I feel like it, and so here is all I have in me for today. I have so much more to say, but I don’t have the time to. I’m feeling so many more things, but I can’t put them into words. So I hope you’re all having a good day, and keep updated I guess.
Sending my love 🙂