It’s Been a Tough Week

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I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while, but it just hasn’t been a great week for me. Mock exams are nearing, and it feels like everything that’s ever bothered me in the past is suddenly attacking me all at once. I’ve had worrying thoughts a lot on a daily basis in the past, and recently, I’ve felt myself withdrawing from my friends, sport, and a lot of things I enjoy doing. But when these thoughts manifest into physical feelings, it’s a whole different story.

Anxiety is something I wouldn’t ever wish on anyone, no matter what they’ve done to me. It makes you feel like you have absolutely no control over YOUR OWN body, and never ever lets you rest. I stay up at night thinking about everything I still have to do, and why I can’t ever seem to be happy. It’s physically exhausting and having to go to school every day around peers and teachers who don’t understand makes it just that much worse.

Despite everything that is going on, I have a lot to be grateful for. A surprising amount of people have asked if they can do anything to help, and even though I can’t explain everything I’m feeling all that well, there’s been people who have been here for me to listen. I’ve realised that there’s always going to be people who don’t understand, but if you look hard enough, there are people who truly care, and will be willing to do all the research out there to help you get through it, even if they don’t initially quite understand.

I’ve talked to a teacher of mine every day for over a week now, and I honestly don’t know what I would ever do without him. He understands and walks through things with me in a way that gives me hope. He tells me the right things at the right times, and no matter what, I know I can go to him to talk things through. Although I only have him for class twice a week, he’s let me know that I can come find him whenever, even if I’m supposed to be in class, or he’s teaching one. So often, it feels like I’m fighting this battle alone, but that’s so so far from the truth. Between us, it’s a fight we’re battling TOGETHER. It’s honestly been a crap week full of out of the blue anxiety attacks but in times like this its so important to stay grateful for the people you DO have, instead of worrying about those who fear to approach you.

If any of you struggle with similar issues and haven’t found someone you trust to talk to, I just want to say that I’m ALWAYS here. It doesn’t matter if this is the first post of mine you’ve read because it doesn’t make a difference. If we can’t be here for each other when we need it the most, what is the point?

Anxiety can take so many different forms, and what works really depends on each individual, but one thing that’s really stood out to me has been the idea of thinking, “Will everything I’m worried about matter in a couple days, weeks, months or years?” And if you’re like me, and don’t always know what triggers sudden surges of anxiety, know that you’re NOT alone. It will NOT last forever, and you CAN do something about it, even if you can’t always fight the physical feelings. There’s always something we can do. It may not solve everything, but each small step makes a whole lot of a difference. Trust me.

Sending my love 🙂

xx

Not Knowing

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Not knowing is the most frustrating thing. Not being able to understand yourself and why you feel a certain way makes you feel trapped. I feel as though I am constantly trapped in a cycle. I feel a certain way, I overthink things, I feel like I have too much on my mind, and then I feel more things I don’t understand.

There’s so much I want to say but so much of it, I can’t put into words.

I’m frustrated because people around me get upset, but it doesn’t take much to convince them that things are going to be okay. But as I say all these comforting things to others, I can’t convince myself of all these things.

When I feel like I just need a good cry, it’s never about just one thing that happened that day. I can normally never tell why I feel the way I do on that particular day. When I feel that sinking feeling inside of me, I feel fear, because it only feels like things are only ever going to get harder.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is, but I guess it’s about wanting to feel heard. I’ve begun isolating myself when I need the support the most, but I just can’t help myself. I feel like I don’t deserve to feel the way I do when so many others have gone through so much. I feel like my friends would much rather pretend to not notice than asking me about it.

I just really need someone to tell me that it gets better. That’s all I’m asking for.

Sending my love 🙂

xx

Perfectionism

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These past few weeks, so many thoughts have been going through my mind about what’s really wrong with me. When I had to step out of Physics class last Friday because things just seemed so overwhelming, I realised I really needed to find people around me that I could trust talking to about all my feelings. The end of the academic year is just around the corner, with only a month and a half left before the summer. But with my end of year mocks in the midst of a time that’s normally stressful even without exams, I feel as though I’m at my breaking point. It’s crazy, I’m only a ninth grader and I just can’t help thinking that things are only ever going to go downhill from here.

I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. It means I can never really say, “that’s good enough”, because “good enough” just simply isn’t good enough for me. I strive for 100% on every test and assignment (with the exception of Chinese because I just suck at it) and when I don’t get that perfect score, I’m not happy. One of my closest friends who struggles with similar issues but seems to be more in control told me that failing sucks, but “success is sweeter when you’ve failed”. I get where he’s coming from, and I agree, but in my mind, if I fail once, and do better, but still don’t get that perfect score the next time round I feel as though I am stuck in a deep hole, of which there’s no getting out of.

Last Friday, when I got my Physics test back, I had a breakdown. I knew that I wasn’t a failure, that I did pretty well, but at the same time, there was a voice in my head telling my that I was indeed a failure, and that I should be disappointed in myself. My Physics teacher is an amazing guy (who went to flipping Oxford!!), and he talked to me about how I felt after class, but truth is, it didn’t make me feel any better. I know that he honestly just wants his students to be happy, and he did his best to convince me that I shouldn’t be feeling the way that I do, but all of those things, I already knew. I know I should be going out with my friends more often. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about so many “what if’s”. I know life isn’t just about academics. But yet, I find myself slowly giving up the things I love doing. I go to a school where teachers encourage participation in service, sports, and activities as much as they do with academic lessons. But they all just make me busier. I know colleges and universities look at more than my transcript.  But knowing all this just makes life harder.

I write blog posts when I feel like it, and so here is all I have in me for today. I have so much more to say, but I don’t have the time to. I’m feeling so many more things, but I can’t put them into words. So I hope you’re all having a good day, and keep updated I guess.

Sending my love 🙂

xx