Guys and Heart Dissections

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So it’s been a while since I last posted. The last time I posted I had just come back from my school trip, and let me tell you, I got more out of that trip that I ever would have imagined. Basically, there are two campuses of the same school in my city, and the school trip was a joint trip between both campuses. During the trip, I met a guy. It really wasn’t very glamorous, because we spent a week without showers, and constantly smelt like the sea. But somehow, he saw something in me, and somehow, word got round to me that he thought I was “fit”. Obviously, there are two very different meanings to the word “fit”, and I guess even though everyone jokingly teased him that he meant he was into me and was attracted to me, people assumed he wasn’t really. Well, I had to act like I was all cool with it and it meant nothing really, but in all honesty, I had to resist the urge to just ask him how he really felt.

I’m not a social butterfly in anyway whatsoever, but the thing is, he’s friends with all the “populars”. I know it shouldn’t mean anything at all, but it makes a hell of a big difference. He’s nice, funny, athletic, and kind of quiet, which is what confuses me the most. It never occurred to me that people like him could be friends with people I’ve always looked down on. Yet, I found myself acquiring an interest and wanting to get to know him better.

So long story short, we started talking after the trip, and turns out he’s into me too and wants to get to know me as “more than friends”. For someone with zero experience with this stuff whatsoever, things happened really quickly, and now I’ve somehow ended up with a date planned this Friday to a pretty nice Italian restaurant. SO WHAT DO I DO?

I know I should be excited, but I’m scared out of my skin. He’s a lot more experienced than me, and I don’t know how much he wants from me. I just feel like I’m WAY out of my depth.

If any of you have any advice on first dates and stuff like that PLEASE leave a comment.

Okay, so you’re probably now wondering: heart dissections?!

Yeah, you read that right. Today in Biology class, we did a sheep heart dissection. Let’s just say it ruined my day. It wasn’t my first dissection, and I’ve never been overly squirmish, although surgical videos and bio videos, in general, have always made me turn away. But today I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. At the beginning of the lesson, my teacher told the class that if anyone wanted to step out it was alright, and he didn’t want anyone fainting in class.  I’ve never fainted in my life, and so I don’t really know what it feels like, but I think I came real close to experiencing it today.

My heart beat first started racing, and then my breath felt shallow, and I couldn’t stop picking at the pair of latex gloves that sat in my lap. The sight of the blood and people sticking their fingers into the ventricals and all that just made me want to puke. My skin turned hot, and I just didn’t know what was happening. Quickly, my teacher realised I wasn’t doing too well, and offered for me to go outside, but I refused. It felt like I was declaring defeat. So the entire lesson, I sat there staring at the ground, ripping apart at the latex gloves, and trying to keep breathing. Looks of pity were sent my way, and it was just an overall shit lesson.

What I don’t understand is why I’ve suddenly seemingly developed a phobia of blood and organs. The rest of the day, my heart just felt heavy, and I felt the overwhelming urge to just break into tears. The most frustrating thing is, I don’t know why.

I hope all of you reading this have had a better day, and I would really appreciate if you could give me some advice on all of this.

Sending my love 🙂

xx

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A Little Getaway

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So it’s been quite a while since my last blog post, but I went on a week-long school trip and just didn’t feel like writing until now. The trip did me good, and although at first I didn’t feel like going at all, I can honestly say that it was one of the BEST trips of my life. It made me realise how important it is to just get away sometimes. I never wanted to go because I  felt like it was a waste of my time- taking up a week of my two-week break that I could spend studying. But god was I wrong.

At our school in 9th grade, we get to chose out of so many trips to go on, and there are so many expeditions to all these far places (there are some insanely expensive ones), but I chose the cheapest, nearest, and possibly shortest trip out of them all. It was a student-led sea kayaking trip around islands really close to where I live, although technically in a different country. I chose it because a) it was an expedition that could help me get a special award to do with leadership, service, sport, activities, and all that stuff (essentially, it looks good on college applications), and b) because we went to the same area to kayak in G7 and I really enjoyed it. I decided to go without any friends that I knew beforehand, and all my friends teased me constantly for choosing this trip. Yet, even before going on the trip, I knew there was no other trip I would rather go on.

I value health and fitness a lot, and so I run Track and Cross Country and stuff for fitness, but I’ve never really understood people who do it because they enjoy it, and can push themselves way beyond what they believe are their limits. But on this trip, I realised that my love for kayaking was something similar. It wasn’t a glamorous trip in any way with it being student-led, but after returning home after a week, I’ve constantly thought about kayaking and miss everyone on the trip so so much. For the first time in so long, I feel passionate. I feel the desire to do something. I learned how to do a half Eskimo roll during the trip, and now I can’t wait to get back in the water soon and learn how to do a full Eskimo roll. For once, I have a goal that has nothing to do with grades and studying. It feels pretty great.

There is one issue though. Where I live, kayaking is not really something I can just take up as a casual after school sport. There is a national kayaking/canoe team and a canoe polo team, but that’s about it. It sucks big time, but I think I’m really gonna push for some sort of team at our school.

Another thing I noticed on the trip was that I had taken on a completely different self. The outdoor education instructors praised my leadership, responsibility, and fitness. I’m not gonna lie, it felt really good. I felt happy, and just thinking about it makes me happy. It’s strange, because never in a million years would I have thought that that trip would be the trip that made me feel happiness after a couple months of feeling so numb.

I know it’s not an option for everyone, but if you’re having trouble escaping anxiety and the feeling of hopelessness, force yourself to just get away. If you find something that gets things off your mind, it works wonders, I promise.

On a similar note, I am seriously thinking of applying to a 3-week summer camp at a university in LA on business and entrepreneurship this summer, because in case you didn’t know, I want to pursue business in university and become an entrepreneur thereafter. Has anyone ever been to a summer camp before? If so, leave a comment below and tell me about your experiences, and if not, have you ever thought of participating in one?

Anyways, I hope you’re all doing well, and if you’ve had better days, maybe you should get away once in a while because it might help you get some things off your mind.

Sending my love 🙂

xx