Some days, I wake up and I feel fine. Except the voice in the back of my head stays lingering telling me I don’t deserve to be happy. But on those days when I simply feel more like myself, I can conjure up the strength to ignore such thoughts. I can sit there with my friends and laugh about the stupidest things and gossip like any other teenage girl out there. But sometimes, I wake up knowing the day is going to be a rough one. Sometimes, I start a day feeling great but end up feeling like shit by noon. Instead of talking to others, I dig myself a deeper hole by putting on earphones, listening to music, and avoiding eye contact. I even restrict my music choices, as if I’m afraid cheerful music will make me happy again, and I’m better off being unhappy and feeling numb. I know some of my friends have started to notice. I’ve been given sad looks and been asked, “are you ok?” But I don’t want the pity, nor do I want to talk about my feelings with them. I tell them I’m “just tired” and put on a fake smile, but in reality, I feel tired of life, and faker than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m a stronger believer of Marilyn Monroe’s saying “A smile is the best makeup a girl could wear”, so knowing that so often, I smile not because I’m happy, but to satisfy others, makes me feel horrible. In my last post I wrote about the teacher who told me I could talk to her if I wanted to, and so I’ve been thinking, what on earth could I ever say without me sounding crazy? I don’t understand why I feel the way I do, and why I don’t want to do anything about it. Have any of you ever felt this way? How did you get help when every part of your body seems to be telling you that you’re better off feeling this way?
On a separate note, I would like to thank every single one of you who have read my first post, especially to those who commented. It really does make me feel like this blog might be worth posting on.